Build a bridge… and get over it!

July 1, 2003 PlanetLightworker Newsletter

Dear LightWorkers,

This is the first of three “rules” that a long time friend of mine uses in managing her interactions with people. The other two appear at the end of this commentary. She also calls this her two week rule, so the entire rule reads something like: If she is upset about something, then if the upset is still there two weeks later, she “builds a bridge and gets over it.” Let’s look at this in more depth for there is more to this than I originally thought.

The elements of her first rule really involve: upset, the past, positive action, and a release/acceptance of whatever happened. Now, there is a lot of power in this rule, not only for her (as it is her rule applied to herself) but also for the situations and people to which she applies it. Here are the components…

The first element is to consider the “upset.” Upsets happen when the world does not behave the way that I want it to. There are many surface reasons, but they all tend to distill into two: either I think that someone has found out that I am not a worthy person, or I am diligently working to keep someone from finding out that I am not a worthy person.

Take any upset, and it can be parsed down into one of these two reasons. If you cannot find the key, email me with a description of what happened, and I will describe the linkage from whatever happened to one (or both) of these two reasons. I do indeed choose to be upset although sometimes my upset just “seems” to have happened and no choice was involved. Always on closer and more rational examination, I can find the choice to be upset or not. If I choose not to be upset, there is no need to build the bridge two weeks later.

The second element is the “past.” I think that there are two applications of the “past.” One is that in choosing to become upset, I applied some event in my past to my present situation and decided the two are really the same, so since I got upset in the past, I should be upset now. The second application is that whatever happened that I chose to upset me is, itself, now in the past, and friends and neighbors, there is nothing I can do about it - zip, zero, nada, nothing. It is an action that is complete. I can take new actions based on it after the fact, but those actions do not change what happened. I can coerce or guilt an apology from someone, but the upsetting action remains unchanged.

How often do I allow myself to chain the present moment to the past? It happens more than I like, and it is a deadly dynamic. I use the word “chain” carefully and specifically. When I let the past interpret the present, I limit the choices of which I am conscious to one, namely, here we go again; what happened before is repeating itself, so I will deal with it as I did before: become upset. And/or I think that if I can wrest some act of atonement from the “cause” of my upset, then all will be well. If I do obtain “satisfaction” in that regard, it is only temporary, and really is not the long term balm that I want; hence, the third element: positive action.

The third element is positive action. As long as I brood on the past, nothing is going to change. I will continue to be mildly to very upset and angry for who knows how long? We all know from the afternoon TV talk shows (no I really don’t watch them – this is just what I hear from others), about the legion of stories of people reunited after years or decades of estrangement over some trivial event in the past. They unite on the show, everyone is kissey-huggy, and everybody wonders what the fuss was all about those many years ago.

Two weeks is a proper amount of time to allow whatever happened to fade into oblivion. Rather than wait for decades, if after two weeks, my upset persists, then I truly need to be in conscious action to do something about it. Why would I ever want to haul all that heavy energy around with me? It’s like carrying a bag of stones around my neck wherever I go. If I fell into the water, I would surely plunge to the bottom. Not only do I need to be in action, but the action needs to be “positive.” Now I know that negative and positive are one of those duality things, so what is positive action? It is whatever I can do that will get rid of the upset. There are lots of things that I could do; however, there is ONE thing that will always work, and it’s cheap too. There is no need to send flowers, a note, or a home-baked cake which is good since I am Scots, I don’t want to spend money unless I really need to. I can build my bridge, and it’s free!

That ONE thing, the fourth and last element, is to lovingly accept whatever happened and release it, release the heavy energy that has fueled my upset since the event happened. Now that I built the bridge, I have to walk over it if the bridge is to have value. Loving acceptance (and release) must be heartfelt to work. How do I do that? It is by realizing that the upset belongs to me, not whoever “caused” it. I created my own upset so it belongs to me, not someone else. What if I get bumped in a crowd and spill my lemonade on myself? The bumper is gone, never to be seen again. If I wait to receive an apology from the mystery bumper, well, I may be waiting a long time. On my death bed, I might wheeze out my last words as a question, “Has he apologized yet?”

OK, that’s a bit facetious, but I am sure you get picture. To apply loving acceptance from the heart, I need to look within me and realize that my upset is about some aspect of my ego. I need to accept that I am a completely worthy person regardless of whether or not I have sticky lemonade on my shirt. Maybe, just maybe, that bump was a wee bit of karma (there’s that Scots thing again) to give me an opportunity to practice loving acceptance, nothing more.

Every conscious moment of every day is an opportunity to release karma or accumulate more of it. When all is well, it is easy to practice loving acceptance. The sky is blue, the birds are singing, the temperature is moderate, it is a day off work, all is well in the universe, and then a pigeon makes a deposit on my head! I can assure that you that pigeon is not going to apologize, so it is up to me to deal with my upset. Now loving acceptance is a bit more challenging, but it is always available. Always. When I walk across the bridge that I built, the upsetting event is underneath me, and I when I reach the other side, I am beyond whatever happened, at last.

To recap the first rule: If I become upset about something, then if the upset is still there two weeks later, I build a bridge and get over it. The four elements are:

1. What is the upset really about?
2. It happened in the past and is now inaccessible.
3. Take positive action; build the bridge
4. Cross the bridge through loving acceptance.

What you say? How about the OTHER two rules? Sorry, don’t be upset, please. They are: if you asked me to remind you to do something, no matter how many times I have to remind you, it isn’t considered nagging; and, if you want something, tell me exactly what it is – don’t make me guess – I’m not a mind reader. Not bad. Huh? Wish I had thought of them.

Be well and discern with compassion,

Ron McCray
Associate Editor