What goes
wrong with relationships? Most of us want an intimate relationship,
and while most of us are successful in establishing one, only too frequently
we end up standing by helplessly watching as it ends, wondering once
again, “What went wrong?”
The expression “failed
relationship” has become a cliché because, sadly, the majority
of relationships do fail these days. Are most of us looking for love
in all of the wrong places?
Although the rate
of failure for relationships is very high, virtually no one starts a
relationship really believing that it will fail; otherwise, why bother?
So, how can someone better identify the pitfalls in a relationship?
For most of us, a new relationship begins on a wave of optimism and
hope, which at some point in time, turns into a tidal wave with the
potential to destroy everything. What happens and why? There is usually
a lot of blame, shame, and guilt to go around, but none of that explains
the dynamics of a failure. This series identifies how relationships
get turned upside down, how to handle problems, and better yet, how
to resolve problems before they become destructive. Interested?
Let’s
begin at the beginning. As singer-songwriter Jimmy Buffet maintains,
“Relationships! We all got 'em, we all want 'em. What do we do
with 'em?” We all think we know what to do. We “should”
because we have surely done it enough. The formula is simple. Find someone
to whom we are physically (OK, honestly, sexually) and emotionally attracted
to, put on our best behavior and play chameleon (being somebody we are
not because we think that is what he or she wants), work hard to get
him/her to fall for us (while all along the other person is doing the
same), go steady, get married or live together – enough to nail
down that “she is mine” (or so he thinks), and “he
is mine” (or so she thinks), start relaxing, and then… we
both morph back into who we were to begin with.
Oops! Both of us
begin to slowly realize that the other is not who we thought he or she
was, and doubt begins to settle in like a thick London fog. You know…you
are someplace but really not sure where, and all of the signs have been
hidden. In the midst of uncertainty, we resort to our tried and true
defense mechanisms so that we can make the other person wrong and us
right, while he/she is busy doing the same. Eventually a good evening
together is one in which no insults, accusations, or dishes are hurled
at each other. A few months later and a few thousand dollars poorer,
it is over.
We (Cindy and Ron)
individually tried doing the relationship dance over and over (okay,
one of us more than the other) each time expecting a different outcome
but (surprise) that didn’t work. We did learn from our experiences,
and we jointly resolved to do something different. As a result we are
now in what is our ideal of a loving and mutually satisfying relationship.
Today, our relationship is rock solid, and the doubts and fears that
were so prevalent in past relationships have vanished. How did we get
there? What did we learn? How did we apply what we learned? In short,
what the heck happened?
This series answers
all of those questions and more. It is about Looking for Love…
and finally finding it. Over the next several months, the results of
our ‘relationship science’ project will be revealed. We
are proof that transiting from poster children for failed relationships
to experiencing a happiness we did not think was possible is possible.
We are now convinced that anybody who is committed and has intention
can as well… with a little bit of help.
Here is our first
suggestion. The starting point in a successful relationship is not
romance or sexual attraction; it’s “definition.”
Yeah, we know that doesn’t sound sexy, or very exciting, but please
bear with us for a bit longer.
When a relationship
dashes itself on the rock and shoals of time, those rocks and shoals
had to be created somehow. In one word, they were created because of
definition. There are a lot of words that influence the success (or
lack) of a relationship. Words we all know like commitment, love, honesty,
respect, honor, intimacy, sharing, and so on. We think we know what
these words mean, and we do. Very often, however, there are two problems
with these words. The first is that we think that our definition is
the same as everyone else’s. The second is, so does everyone else.
The result is that Ron may suggest, “Let’s have a nice night
out,” thinking that he’s communicating a burger and a movie,
but Cindy hears “fine restaurant and the theater.” So, seven
o’clock rolls around to find Ron in the living room in jeans and
a sweater, and Cindy waltzes in dressed to the teeth…the problems
have just begun. We think you know the rest of that story. It’s
a classic example of miscommunication based on different value systems
which resulted in different definitions of the same term.
Here are the steps
for successfully working with definitions:
First step:
Eliminate assumptions…don’t assume that the other
person has the same definition of a word or phrase that you do.
Second step:
Share expectations. Be clear and concise about your expectations
within the relationship – when you have them.
Third step:
Discuss definitions. If your new relationship makes it to “Stage
Two,” and you’d like to see if there is a possibility of
a true partnership (and definitely before the “L” word is
invoked), sit down with your intended and list the “relationship”
words that are really important to both of you… like love, honor,
respect, truthfulness, partnership, trust, fidelity… and honestly
share (that’s how you really feel folks) your own definitions
for each word or phrase. Try to reach agreements that best help you
to understand your potential partner and their expectations of the relationship.
If this exercise reveals things that make you uncomfortable or the “warning
bells” begin to sound, pay attention!
Fourth step:
Integration: If your fledgling (or long term) relationship survives
this exercise, and your partner’s responses are something that
you can live with (without thinking “I can change that later”)
you’re off to a good start.
Now, when an issue
arises over a misunderstanding (around the time when you get the look
or the voice but hopefully before the fireworks start) review your shared
understanding of individual values and definitions with your partner.
Did you specifically say that you could not “accept” the
behavior in question? If not, now is the time to discuss that topic
until both are in agreement about what is and is not acceptable. Possibly
it hasn’t been discussed at all, so saying “I’m sorry
honey, we haven’t discussed this one, so let’s do it now,”
is a good start to providing clarity.
Recognizing that
both of you have most likely fallen victim to broken relationships in
the past “for a reason” - and as much as we’d like
to think it’s the other person’s fault - often the blame
goes both ways. Sometimes, it’s just about admitting that you
were wrong (gasp!), while other times it may mean that it is time to
change a behavior pattern as it no longer serves you and your relationship.
If you can do this, then you will find the issue resolves itself and
a more satisfying relationship results.
Fifth step:
Contact: Give each other a hug.
Regardless of the
age or condition of your relationship, we suggest that it is never too
late to put these five steps to use. To make them clearer, here is a
real life example from our journals. This, unfortunately, really happened.
(Color Ron’s face red.) We call this
event “The Third Wife” subtitled “Honestly, what does
honesty mean?”
Situation: Cindy
is away from home on a business trip and calls Ron. It becomes obvious
that she has talked to “someone” about Ron’s past.
Ring, ring
Ron: Hello
Cindy: Hello
Ron: Hi, sweetie. What’s up? (He is looking for the nearest rabbit
hole to dive into because it’s not the look, it’s
the voice!)
Cindy: You told me that you were only married twice…
Ron: Uh, yes, I did.
Cindy: What’s this about a third wife?
Ron: Who told you that?
Cindy: That’s not important; is it true?
Ron: (Long pause) W-e-l-l…yes…yes, I was married a third
time, BUT it was over and done with almost 20 years ago – it really
didn’t seem important. It actually was before wife number three.
Cindy: What’s really important is that you weren’t honest
about how many times you’ve been married.
Ron: I have too been honest! It just didn’t last that long and
I guess I just forgot about it.
Cindy: Uh-huh…I don’t want to talk anymore right now. Bye.
Bottom line, we
had different definitions of “honesty.” Ron’s definition
of honesty meant telling Cindy about things that affected her directly,
while Cindy’s definition meant full disclosure of all the details
in response to her questions and that was non-negotiable. Ron had no
intention of hurting Cindy. In retrospect, he knew the second that he
answered her question dishonestly that it would come back to haunt him
and, in fact, had no idea why he had lied (ever happened to you?) other
than he wasn’t sure how she would take the news and that he didn’t
want to look like a “failure.” It was now far worse as the
shoe had finally fallen. Rather than confessing his lie, he played ostrich
hoping (ever done that before?) that she would never find out.
Our relationship,
though in the formative stage when this event happened, was based on
commitment and unconditional love which allowed us to move through it.
Nevertheless, exposure of this dishonesty posed a real threat to the
trust that our relationship had enjoyed up to this point, and resolving
it took us some time. Since it originated through a telephone call we
were really challenged as we don’t resolve problems very well
over the phone. (We can’t give hugs over the phone!) Once we were
back together, a few long days later, we worked hard to understand what
had happened and to resolve it. In the end, Ron apologized for his dishonesty
and vowed not to let it happen again. We got clear about what honesty
means in our relationship and Ron accepted Cindy’s definition
once he understood that this requirement was not optional. This happened
well over a year ago and we have not had an honesty issue since, proving
that mutual acceptance and understanding of definitions can be very
powerful.
The reward of having
shared values and definitions: it is possible to actually live through
an intense scenario like this and come out the other side still trusting
your partner.
This first article
is all about instituting clear communication with your partner and making
certain that important “definitions” are the same for both
people. Clarity about definitions sets the stage for the future articles,
for agreement on shared values and definitions is the foundation for
a successful relationship.
In the next article,
we begin presenting the basics of relationship SCIENCE, daily practices
to assist you in creating the relationship you have always wanted. Until
then, keep looking for love… in the right places.
To go the next article
in the series, please click on the below link:
