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Looking
for love... in all the right places - a series 2: Support Series Introduction
What is it that we think we know about our partner that later proves to be unconscious cluelessness? Our first article was about instituting clear communication with your partner and making certain that important “definitions” are the same for both people. Clarity about definitions and values is the foundation for a successful relationship. There is a set of daily practices that build on that foundation, each of which needs its own definition. They are what we call the “SCIENCE” of relationships. In this article, the second in the series, we take on the “S” daily practice - Support. Maybe “support” seems rather unimportant when compared to other words with greater emotional content like love, sex, fidelity, honesty, and truth, but it is very instrumental to the successful realization of all of those words and many more. Let’s begin with our definition of support. We are not suggesting our definition become your definition, but we do need a common understanding on which to base the discussion of the importance of support, and moreover, provide specific actions that you can take to fully support and be supported by your partner. Support: providing to your partner that which he or she needs to have the confidence that the relationship is truly a partnership in which each partner equally benefits. Please take a moment and make sure that you understand the definition. We are not asking for agreement although that would be great. We are asking that you accept ours as a, not the only, valid definition. If people who are in a relationship are asked if they support the other person in the relationship, most would likely say, “Sure, of course!” If asked what they thought support meant to the other person, most likely a puzzled expression would be the answer. Likewise, if asked what they thought their partner expected in the way of support, the puzzled expression would probably repeat. Asking the partner the same questions would probably reap similar results. There seems to be an opportunity for clarification, especially if either one or both really feel that they are not being supported the way that they need to be. In our definition above, the key phrase is “equally benefits.” Does this mean they get the same share of everything in the relationship? Do they split income, cooking, child care, yard work, housekeeping, and the laundry down the middle? Well, maybe it might, but from our own experience, splitting everything down the middle does not work very well (Cindy won’t let Ron anywhere near the laundry, at least with her clothes) so what does “equally benefits” mean? The way that we have experienced equally sharing is that each part of our partnership (like cooking, muddling around outside, taking care of the hot tub, house keeping, laundry, and so on) has an agreed to leader and the other person is the supporter. For example, Cindy likes to drive our car - it is not that she does not trust Ron’s driving - she enjoys driving, and he does not. She is the driving leader, he is the driving supporter. She drives almost everywhere we go. He takes care of directions, manages the music (not an insignificant task from Cindy’s perspective), keeps the car maintained and pumps most of the gas. He also sees to her comfort and needs while she is driving. It is true that she has the more responsible role which takes far more time and concentration than what he does, but this is an agreed to “equally beneficial” agreement about support. Another example is about managing household expenses and paying the bills. Ron is the household expense leader and Cindy is the supporter. Ron tracks all of their joint expenses: budgeting, pays the bills, communicates with vendors and utilities, and does the filing of bills and correspondence. Cindy contributes financially to the household budget and provides relevant advice to Ron when he needs it. Ron does most of the work in this aspect of their partnership, and is happy to do so since he is rather compulsive about such things. Once more we achieved an “equally beneficial” level of support. Almost everything we do is apportioned and agreed upon in terms of who does what better. There is no competition. Please note that the above examples have to do with “doing.” One of the most important areas of support, if not the most important, is emotional support. It is not about doing but being. How does it work? Think about the “doing” kinds of support. They are all actions that can be known and measured. They are “did you or didn’t you” tasks. Emotional support really can’t be seen; it does have some physical expressions such as a hug, a kiss, or even a pat on the back, but these actions do not necessarily convey true emotional support, for that only comes from the heart. Emotional support occurs when you truly care about someone and want them to know that they are not alone, that there is someone (you) who is in their corner – someone who will stick by them in the bad times as well as the good. Emotional support gives more strength to a relationship than any “doing task.” If both people emotionally support one another, who really cares who does the dishes or walks the dog on a given day? If emotional support is not there, then the other support tasks can become really important. “You were supposed to clean up after the dog, you didn’t, and so I had to.” There is no leader or supporter for emotional support; both people are supporters. Emotional support requires that each person determines and then conveys to the partner how, as well as, what they need in order to be emotionally supported. What that means can be different for everybody. For instance, Cindy needs Ron to be completely honest with her because she needs to know that what he says is the truth and can be relied upon. That truth forms the basis for her being able to trust which is another important emotional support need. Total honesty is very important to her and she will not be in an intimate relationship without it. Ron had to accept and agree with her request from his heart while he worked on his head to accept the change - to tell the truth even when it was uncomfortable or unfavorable for him to do so. Without this shift, it would be easy for him to continue to lie to her, and although she might accept the lie, he would know that he lied, thus deteriorating the foundation of support that he knew was fundamental to their relationship. His “secret lies” would have an inevitable, adverse affect on their relationship because he will know that he did not support her as he had agreed. Before he accepted and agreed with her need for total honesty, he did lie to her several times early in the relationship and his lies almost ended the relationship. He knew that he had lied and kept waiting to be found out. The “waiting” took its toll on him, her, and the relationship. It is very important to discuss and agree on all of the aspects of emotional support in such a way that each person accepts the other’s needs from the heart. Without emotional support, all of the other kinds of support will not be enough to sustain the relationship. There is one thread that runs through all forms of support: time. Support involves time. We all know that each of us has twenty-four hours in every day and are constantly choosing how we spend those hours. Support, including emotional support, takes time. Budgeting the time necessary to ensure that we satisfy our leader or supporter obligations is an absolute. Sure, it is possible to skip some of them some of the time, but if chronic that will catch up with us and a process of “tit for tat” can occur. Be aware that when one person’s support agreements begin to deteriorate then the other’s agreements may start eroding as well. The results can end up being nothing gets cooked, the clothes are dirty, the car doesn’t run, and the yard looks like a jungle. Here are our steps for setting up and maintaining support in your relationship: Step 1: Emotional Alignment - Emotional support is the primary place to begin. Define with agreement each person’s needs in the way of emotional support. If either cannot agree from the heart with any of the other’s needs, then this need must be resolved somehow, someway, or the relationship could be jeopardized. Nothing that really matters to the other person can be overlooked or ignored. Step 2: The List (It gets easier with this step.) Identify the major support tasks for the relationship like cooking, shopping, house cleaning, the yard, and so forth. It does not have to be a complete list. Deciding who licks the postage stamps is not necessary. Step 3: Understanding - Discuss each support task so that both people understand what is involved. Understanding the subtasks as well is a really good idea. (“You mean doing the laundry includes ironing as well!”) Step 4: Assignments! After all of the support tasks are fully understood (and appreciated) by both people, decide who will be the leader (and what that involves) and who will be the supporter (and what that involves) for each task. Flexibility is very important in this step. Be willing to take on and try new tasks; possibly change the leader and supporter roles from time to time for those particularly onerous, yet necessary, tasks. Step 5: Just do it. Make sure that you have sufficient time in the day to do what you agreed to do. If it becomes beyond your control to do one of your tasks, then ask for help from your partner but not every day! (By the way, having your partner lovingly agree to help out is one of the ways that providing needed emotional support pays off, and there are many, many more.) Step 6: Spending
time together. Even if it’s only 30 minutes a day, try to come
together (preferably alone) with your partner to check in. We all have
incredibly busy lives and the things that are really important to your
partner can get lost in the shuffle of your own ‘stuff.’
Be willing to delay the scheduled tasking if necessary. No one can support
your partner as well as you can, so it’s important to ‘check
in’ to determine if their needs are being met. If tension occurs around either person’s responsibilities associated with support, a misalignment between the two people has occurred with respect to the task at hand. Rather than letting it simmer and playing ostrich, start a discussion and determine what is out of alignment. Honestly talking about it will bring the problem into the open (where it belongs!) and then the solution can easily be found by determining what works best for each, as well as, the relationship. In the next article,
we take on the dreaded “C” word – commitment - as
the mysteries of the SCIENCE of relationships continue to be revealed.
Originally published in the July 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker Copyright
2005 Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson |
