|
|
|||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||
|
Looking
for love... in all the right places - a series 3: Commitment Series Introduction
What is the foundation of a lasting relationship? To begin, although one may not be able to practice or believe in it completely, commitment is no stranger to anyone who has ever been in an intimate relationship. Often referred to by the male species (as well as some of you ladies out there!) as the “dreaded ‘C’ word” it gets a pretty bad rap overall when relationship failures are blamed on the lack thereof. No wonder there is a lot of fear around committing! The irony is that when two people are truly committed to one another, there is tremendous freedom to be who you are. In this third article of the series, we present the “C” daily practice: Commitment. When spoken to a potential life partner, is it the word “commitment” or the societal expectation that is created that wreaks havoc on a blossoming, or even an established, relationship? For those of us that have suffered past, failed relationships and found that being alone is maybe not all that bad or are currently in a foundering relationship and think that being alone might be better (does that leave anyone out?), the very word makes the blood run a little faster. After all, is being in a committed relationship worth giving up my independence and way of being? Our answer to that is ‘no!’ – it’s not necessary to give up either in order to enjoy a committed relationship. As in all of the daily practices presented in this series, we believe that a shared, mutually accepted definition is crucial before moving forward in a relationship. In short, both partners need to speak the same language. Here is our definition, and while we are not suggesting our definition become yours, it is a place to start. We hope that you will create your own if you find that this does not work for you. Commitment: to the exclusion of all other things; a refusal to allow any thing to distract or deter – in effect, allowing nothing to compete. Given that definition, how does one determine if he or she should be committed to another? The following questions may provide you with a basis for making that determination. “Do you unconditionally love your partner?” If the answer is yes, then move forward; if the answer is no, do you think it is possible to do so? Unconditional love requires the removal of judgment. Is it possible for you to commit to this person without the requisite laundry list of behaviors you would like to see them change? Are you willing to accept your partner as they are and simply wait for these changes until they determine that they wish to be different?
This translates to: accepting that you are where you are meant to be –this is where you belong; you are not supposed to be anywhere but here! That means, folks, that you don’t spend your time wondering who is left ‘out there’ that you haven’t yet experienced. Your chosen one represents your hopes and your dreams. This is the one that makes your heart sing! This person is the one that you wish to grow along side of, nurturing and encouraging each other along the way. If you are able
to say yes to both of these questions, it is time to commit with every
fiber of your being. Commitment is a two-way street that requires equal
effort from both parties within the relationship. It is the spoken and
recognized desire and intention to commit to the other that is fundamental.
Without the stated goal of a commitment on both sides, the relationship
will most likely fail. How long does that take? We all know people that
have stayed within a relationship far longer than (we think) they should
and often there are a multitude of reasons, primarily, for the children’s
sake. In truth, the length of time that it takes to surrender is based
on the degree of discomfort for each choice – which is less painful? Think about the nature of an intimate relationship as the union of two disparate parts of humanness, yin and yang, masculine and feminine, and light and dark. Relationship is the condition that provides the possibility for individuals to achieve what they could not alone. It is the joined couple or partnership that provides a united front to the world; it is the multiplication of two halves to create a whole greater than the simple addition of two individuals. It is the ultimate support mechanism. It is the safe haven that nothing can successfully assail. This is true relationship; anything else is an imitation. Whew, if you are still with us after that, please understand that we know from our own personal experience and working with couples that committed relationships are not easy to find or maintain. We also know that having a committed relationship is indeed “looking for love in the right place.” Think what it would be like (and perhaps it is true for you) to be able to speak your heart without censor and know absolutely that your partner is always in your corner… no matter what! You always have this one special person who will support you with all of his or her heart in the bad times as well as the good ones. Friends, jobs, relatives, good fortune, ill fortune come and go but a committed partner does not. As long as the commitment is in place, you have one person on whom you can always count. We (Cindy and Ron) enjoy a committed relationship and are intentional about living it as a daily practice. It took us quite a while to get there, but every tear, stress, and doubt that happened along the way was necessary for our growth. Of all of the negativity that we overcame, the greatest was doubt. With decades of emotional baggage due to failed relationships could we really do this? Do we love each other enough to make a true commitment to one another from the heart? What will our friends and relatives think? What will people say about us? Are we deluding ourselves? Ron was a US Navy officer and remembers that the most important requirement of any ship was its watertight integrity. That means no leaks! The integrity of a relationship is based on the quality of the commitment. It must be strong enough to hold it together regardless of the stormy seas that it undoubtedly will encounter. In a committed relationship, there are no major emotional leaks and the small ones that spring up are quickly and easily sealed. Our relationship, like most, did not begin as a committed one. Although Cindy was committed to Ron from the beginning, he was not committed to her due to his past relationship disasters. Even though he desperately wanted to believe in her sincerity and to trust her, he simply could not do so in the beginning. Having both experienced and inflicted heartache, betrayal, disappointment, frustration, and anguish in his previous relationships, Ron did not believe that someone like her had come into his life and could really unconditionally love him. Those past relationships, none of which (in retrospect) he had been truly committed to, caused him to doubt the integrity of any woman with whom he entered into a relationship. This history told him that Cindy would eventually betray him because betrayal had become interwoven in the fabric of most of his past relationships. His method of protection was to maintain “one foot out the door” at all times, never truly committing his heart to another for fear of the emotional pain that would be inflicted when it ended – and he knew it always ended! He, in fact, through decades of relationships was rarely alone, having lined up the next relationship before ending the previous. So, what was different this time? As a child, Ron was showered with unconditional love by his grandmother; her death at the pivotal age of 12 would prove to be the end of that experience for him for many decades to follow. It was the memory of this love that allowed him to finally vocalize the intention to do whatever it took to have that experience again. Through a number of trials in the early relationship, Cindy continually forgave Ron whenever necessary while steadfastly loving him unconditionally and encouraging him to continue down his path to healing. There were boundaries set for future behaviors and much conversation about what kind of relationship we each were seeking and what that meant about what was acceptable and what was not. There was a lot of baggage to unpack, sort, and release before he was able to truly commit his heart, once again, to another. Fortunately for us, our relationship was based on a very sound friendship as well as mutual mental and spiritual interests. It was our intention to build a relationship that neither of us had ever experienced before – one of unconditional love that was based on commitment. In order for this to occur, all of the past behaviors of deception and secretiveness which had worked for a short period of time in all of Ron’s past relationships, had to be eliminated. It was his spoken intention to do the work necessary that provided Cindy with the assurance that it would indeed occur, allowing her to patiently wait while he took those steps – while unconditionally loving and honoring him for his desire to change and grow. It doesn’t happen overnight – we all have changes that we need to make and it is rare when it is an enjoyable experience. It is the support of the partner that makes it possible to move into territories that are dark and unpredictable! What did we learn that may benefit you? Acceptance: Whenever you begin a relationship it’s a safe bet that your partner is carrying emotional baggage accumulated from childhood to present day (and of course, you have your own). The bags may be well hidden in the beginning, but they will be unpacked usually at the worst possible time. The only way that we know of to prepare for the unpacking is to unconditionally accept your partner. This involves having no judgments about the bag that got unpacked. Commitment includes acceptance. We suggest that you discuss your past relationship issues that caused the relationships to fail. Better to discover “show stoppers” now than later. They will not go away, and the longer into the relationship they remain hidden, the more difficult they will be to accept. Doubt: The destructive role of doubt cannot be minimized either before or after a commitment is made. Doubt bores holes into the integrity of a relationship and all manner of corrosive emotions begin leaking in. Whenever a relationship begins to take on water and starts sinking determine who doubts what - and beware that it could be both of you! Remember, if you would talk with your friends about a problem, your partner should always be first! Talk about the doubt and determine what needs to be done to eliminate it. Plug the holes and pump out what leaked in so your relationship can sail on into the sunset. Challenges: If you both choose to have a committed relationship, know that your commitment will be tested over and over again. The test looks like this: “something” happens that demands priority over the relationship. The “something” will occur unexpectedly and from a direction that you never anticipated. It could be anything so there is no way to guard against it. The key practice to keep in mind is to always ask: “Is the ‘something’ that is competing with the relationship worth ending the commitment?” If it is, then maybe the time has arrived to declare your commitment at an end and figure out where you go from there. We don’t know the answer to that; no one but the two people involved can. It is a simple process, but not necessarily easy. There are only two questions: One, what is competing with the relationship? Two, is it worth the end of the commitment to satisfy the competition? It is possible that the “something” can be satisfied without ending the commitment if both partners can agree from the heart to do so. Exceptions can be made; acceptance of a partner’s need outside of the partnership is always possible if done without judgment and criticism. Remember, the integrity of the commitment is paramount – no games, no surprises (except the fun ones). In our case, the answer to number one was Ron’s “need” to have proof that Cindy was genuine and sincere in her love for him before he could open his heart and be himself completely with her. The answer to number two was eventually “no!” It became obvious to him that his need would never be completely fulfilled until he trusted her with his heart – and that meant being completely open with her about all things. Once he made that determination, everything shifted, our commitment was cemented, and we have a relationship that neither of us believed was possible. The bottom line: Commitment to each other is the foundation of a relationship and the second daily practice in the SCIENCE of relationships. Commitment requires daily maintenance for competitions to it will arise – they may be small or large - but arise they will. As we wrote in the Introduction to the Series at the beginning of this article, “Forewarned is forearmed.” In the next article, we intend to explore Intention - as the mysteries of the SCIENCE of relationships continue to be revealed. Until then, keep looking for love… in the right places! Click
here for the next article in the series: Intention. Contact us via email: Ron or Cindy Originally published in the August 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker Copyright
2005 Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson |
