Looking for love... in the right places - a series
by Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson

4: Intention

Series Introduction

How do we get what we want when we’re in a relationship?

That’s a loaded question! Here’s another…do we really know what we want? Although we think we know what we want, it often turns out to be something that our partner doesn’t want – causing a kind of guerilla warfare to ensue as we attempt to trick and trap them into “giving” us what we think we need. If you have ever done this, then you know that it comes with a price tag attached and whether paid now or later, be assured, you will pay.

Getting what we want is a matter of intention, and it can take a lot of different forms - with some being better than others. In fact, really knowing how to use intention is something of an art. It is the “I” in the SCIENCE of Relationships. Join us as we explore the daily practice of intention, and we will provide some “thought food” along the way. First, however, we need a definition of intention so that we are all on the same track. Here is our definition, and while we are not suggesting our definition become yours, it is a place to start. We hope that you will create your own if you find that this does not work for you.

Intention: A conscious and purposeful statement of something that you desire.

The world of intention is huge, for it is the method by which we acquire everything we desire in life, both physical and emotional, as well as some things we end up wishing we did not have. This means that it is very, very powerful. Since this series is about relationships, we are going to talk about intention within the context of relationship. While it is not our intention to cover all of the aspects, a lot of what we will share is applicable to intention in general.

In the beginning of all relationships, person “A” meets person “B,” sparks fly, and the chase is on. When the dust settles, and A and B have caught one another, the real effort starts. Each partner has expectations about not only the relationship but their partner as well. “This is how things are supposed to be” (they think)! These expectations have suddenly become intentions, and when unfulfilled escalate rapidly into disappointment and discontent. Now the sparks that were previously struck by passion begin to fly from friction!

The dynamics of a relationship revolve around the interaction of the two partners. The more interaction, the greater is the need for shared intentions. To give an intention is to set in motion the creation of what you say you want. According to Marc Allen’s interpretation of Dr. Israel Regardie’s The True Art of Healing, there are four stages that every created thing has passed through. It begins as a spiritual impulse that becomes a thought. This thought is then envisioned and begins to be desired emotionally. Once the spiritual impulse has become a thought that is powerfully desired emotionally, it then becomes possible for an individual to focus on the desire and thereby create it in physical reality. It is this focus, or intention, that is the fourth step to creation.

Now, we’ve all been told that you cannot create something for someone else. You may be thinking that’s a lot of hooey; after all, we create stuff for our beloveds all of the time! Great vacations, a new car, new furniture, an inviting home, and a great meal are just a few examples of our creation, right? Well… no! Those are all great examples of providing stuff - but not of creation.

Creation is a focused intention to manifest what you want, not what you think someone else wants; it is personal. George Bernard Shaw, the great English author, is reputed to have said about The Golden Rule, “Don’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you; their tastes may be different.” Have you ever given your partner something that you wanted them to have, and he or she raves about how “perfect” it is, only to never see it again? Chances are the gift was something that you really wanted, so naturally (you thought) they would really want it as well. Surprise!

Why can’t we create for someone else? The short answer is because we humans are wired to have choice, free will. If we could create for someone else, we would be robbing them of their free will and quite possibly their ability to even know what they want. Cindy might want Ron to dress a certain way; she might even buy clothes for him that she likes, although that doesn’t mean that he will dress that way and feel comfortable about it. This happened… he is addicted to shirts that have pockets – not just pockets mind you, but “functional” pockets - so he can carry lots of stuff! Well, Cindy prefers shirts without pockets (and all the stuff that’s in them) so she bought him several, and although he wears them on occasion, he has not been recreated to adore pocketless shirts.

Intention in the context of relationship has two applications: the first is what you want and why, and the second is what we want and why. Both of these must be clearly communicated with each other and are valid whether it involves an emotional or material need.

Let’s deal first with what you want - bearing in mind that what you want is important – while also understanding that what you want could be in conflict with the relationship. Specifically, in our last article which was about commitment, we said that commitment means not allowing anything to compete with the relationship, nothing. When you want something that competes with the relationship, the competition absolutely must be dissolved. How do you do that?

The beginning is to discuss what you want with your partner and be prepared to say why you want it; why is it important? Sometimes we want things but are not really conscious of why we want them. If you are honest with yourself while you are making that determination, it might even allow you to release the desire then and there. “I really don’t need a new BMW; it’ll just place a bandage on my mid-life crisis.” If, after this bit of soul searching it is determined that you still desire the something, then tell your partner, tell your partner, tell your partner. Did we say tell your partner?

If there is a conflict and the “something” threatens to compete with the relationship, then talk it through. When your partner knows why you want the something, perhaps he or she will “gift” you with their agreement to go ahead. If you whine, wheedle, or bully to get your way that is not a gift from your partner, but a Sacrifice.

Sacrifices always require future repayment and a veritable “tit for tat” practice ensues – “I did this for you, now you must do that for me.”

Let’s take a quick look at how you can tell the difference between a gift and a Sacrifice. A true gift is always love-based and has the following qualities:
• It is freely offered.
• There is no expectation of reward, not even a “thank you.”
• There is no expectation of how the gift will be used.
• There is no attachment to what is given.
• There is no regret.
When your partner makes a Sacrifice, it is not freely offered; expectation, attachment, and regret are always associated with it. Gift is a loving gesture that continues to give for a lifetime. It continues to give because there is no energy of obligation, guilt, or expectation attached to the gift by the giver. Sacrifice is an emotional debt that waits and waits to be repaid and seldom (if ever) is. True giving is from the heart with love and acceptance being infused into the gift such that the receiver will know that the gift has been offered from the heart. Gifts given without the qualities described above are simply Sacrifices disguised as gifts.

To round this out, there are three possible outcomes to a personal intention that conflicts with the relationship:
1. You can let go of the intention altogether (we don’t really need everything that we want now do we?).
2. You can discuss your intention with your partner who may choose to dissolve the conflict by gifting you with his or her blessing to pursue your intention.
3. You can go ahead and pursue your intention anyway and begin looking for marriage therapists in the yellow pages.

Intention within relationship can be defined as either physical/material or emotional/supportive in nature. Material intentions are about accumulating “stuff,” while emotional intentions are about “ways of being.” Although it may seem that emotional intentions would be strictly personal, and they are, there are some that are much easier to achieve with the support of our partner. For example, Ron was recently diagnosed with diabetes type II which requires him to be very intentional about what he eats. Although Cindy’s blood sugar is excellent, without being asked to do so (gift) she modified her diet dramatically to align with his. Rather than eating foods that we both had previously enjoyed together, she prepares healthy meals that both can eat and minimizes her consumption of foods (in front of him!) that she knows he would also like to be enjoying but cannot. She is supporting his emotional intention to control his disease. This supportive behavior has made it far easier for Ron to integrate his new “way of being” without the feelings of resentment and deprivation that would accompany her having a plate of spaghetti or a bowl of ice cream in front of him daily!

The second variety of relationship-related intention is the joint intention. This occurs when you both want the same thing, and it is necessary that you both have the same “conscious and purposeful” intention. It sounds simple and it is; however, there is that niggling, little requirement that the intention be the same. For example, your general, shared intention is to find a new place to live. The problem comes in when the specifics pop up. One of you wants a condo in the middle of the city and the other a house in the country. Whoops!

Once again, there is a need to sit down and discuss what you both really want and reach an agreement – and it’s probably not a condo in the country! This isn’t always easy; the two reminders are to know what you each want and why. The “whys” may take some time to accurately and completely come to mind but the effort is well worth it. Discuss the “whys” with each other and determine if there is a middle ground where you can both meet and be satisfied. Remember the act of gifting described above. This is another opportunity to use the power of gift, but the gift must meet the requirements or it is an automatic Sacrifice, hopefully not a human one!

When you both can agree on a common intention, the power of that intention is more than doubled. Scientific studies show that the power actually goes up 3.973 times the power of one intention (just kidding -but the principle remains). The phrase “I couldn’t have done it without you” speaks volumes about teamwork and joint intentions.

When we (Cindy and Ron) chose to share our lives together we wanted our own place to live that was removed from where we each lived at the time. For various reasons, we chose southern Utah but did not have a specific location. We did know that our joint intention was to have a house in the country that was on the water, had trees and grass (a true commodity in Utah!), nearby mountains, and most of all, access to red rocks. OK, that last part sounds a bit strange, but this was our intention.

We began searching at Utah’s far eastern border and over a period of weeks rejected house after house in one area after another. Our agreement was that our intention was shared, and we would not settle on a new home unless we both felt that it was the place. Frankly, after 350 miles and a month of searching we despaired, finding ourselves on the far southwestern border of Utah having almost run out of possibilities.

The last day of our search we were shown a house that met all the location requirements, but the house – with pictures of John Wayne in every tiny room, pink carpet throughout, a Vegas-style leopard skin bedroom and a postage stamp backyard – was not! Ron was ready to give in and tried to convince Cindy to accept this place, but she reminded him that it was their joint agreement that would be the deciding factor. He agreed to continue looking, and lo, the very next house we were shown was a roomy ranch with a large grassy backyard full of cottonwood trees, bordered by a small river and a mountain, with a state park full of gorgeous red rocks about twelve miles away! If we had not developed our joint intention and then stuck with it, we probably would have not found our ideal home – and one of us would have been very unhappy!

The bottom line: Intentions are the energy base of a relationship and the third daily practice in the SCIENCE of Relationships. Intentions require daily maintenance, for they are how we implement a committed relationship. Intentions may be small or large, short or long term, but in all respects, they are the anvil on which a relationship is forged.

In the next article, we emphasize Empathy - as the mysteries of the SCIENCE of Relationships continue to be revealed. Until then, keep looking for love… in the right places!

We invite comments and suggestions. Contact us via email: Ron or Cindy

Click here for the next article in the series: Empathy.

 

Originally published in the September 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker

Copyright 2005 Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson