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Looking
for love... in the right places - a series 5: Empathy Series Introduction
How
can we best support our partner’s By “differences” we mean when our partner is being “different” (than we would be) and that “difference” triggers an emotional reaction in us. Our partners will never experience the world exactly the same as we – thereby providing us a contrasting view and the opportunity to grow (when we open ourselves) enough to experience things through our partner’s eyes. Ron’s world would be incredibly boring if Cindy saw everything the exact same way he does, providing a sound basis for the old saying that “opposites do attract.” Most of the differences between two people do not create emotional reactions; Cindy likes her eggs to be “cooked” while Ron prefers his to be “half-cooked”. This difference is easily accommodated since Cindy makes sure we both get our eggs “our way.” (The only emotional reaction is Ron’s bewilderment as to how this woman of such refined and exquisite taste could prefer her eggs with the flavor cooked out of them, but it is no big deal to him!) So why does an emotional reaction occur? It begins to take shape when “something” happens with our partner which causes a rapid shift in our relationship alignment. Our first emotional reaction is to become uncertain; we immediately begin thinking “what do I say, how should I act?” For instance, Ron may walk into a room to find Cindy crying when only moments earlier she was OK. Immediately, he has an emotional reaction which rattles him – taking his previous “everything’s okay” attitude to the altered level of “what have I done now?” The emotional meter ramps up quickly when he receives no response to his questions about what is wrong, and it’s only a nanosecond away before he has determined that he has to be responsible for her tears. Now both are in the thick of an emotional reaction! The first reflex for those of us known as “Fix-It’s” (no longer relegated to just the male species) - is to find out why (the tears) and how (to fix the problem). The approach is: if the light bulb is burned out, simply replace it, no problem – so what’s for lunch? With emotional reactions, “fixing it” is usually not the best course of action. To begin, there is magnetism within relationships… one partner is the negative pole, the other the positive and it is this “opposition” that pulls us together. Every now and then one partner’s pole gets spun around and suddenly like poles are opposing, causing both partners to shove away from one another. None of us who are in loving relationships want to be repelled from our partner, but oftentimes we just don’t know how to turn our magnet back around. At this point, determining how to reorient the relationship magnet becomes really important. We believe we have found one way - through the expression of empathy; the E in the SCIENCE of Relationships. We are going to tell you what we learned and how it worked for us. First, however, we need a definition of empathy so that we are all on the same track. Here is our definition, and while we are not suggesting our definition become yours, it is a place to start. We hope that you will create your own if you find that this does not work for you. Empathy: Understanding and supporting your partner’s differences –whether you can relate to them or not - from a detached point of view. We need to make one point very clearly: empathy is not the same as sympathy. What’s the difference? Well, it could be viewed as simply as, empathy helps your partner to climb out of a hole while sympathy is jumping down in the hole with them. It’s really tough to help someone out of a hole when you’re in the same place; the best you can do is commiserate about how miserable it is to be there. And, while “misery loves company” may be oft-heard, it is never productive to the growth of a committed and supportive relationship. An emotional reaction can occur when our partner is experiencing grief, upset, or general unhappiness. Often, we don’t even know the real reason before we are jumping down (the hole) to fix the problem. The truth of the matter is that most of us don’t want to be fixed, at least not by someone else. When we try to fix something for someone else, the fix is really about us because the emotional reaction we are experiencing is our own discomfort over our partner’s problem so we naturally want to make the problem go away – taking our discomfort with it. To make matters even worse, fixing your partner’s problems for them eliminates their opportunity to grow and learn from whatever has been presented to them, meaning they will probably encounter yet another situation somewhere down the line so that they may learn. We have found it to be far more effective to support your partner -from above – with empathy. What does that really mean? Well, it starts with you staying out of the hole – no matter what! When an emotional reaction has rocked your relationship foundation (as most do whether you are the “star of the show” or not), it is most important that you maintain an open heart and head (mind) and really listen to your partner. Returning to Cindy’s unexplained tears, here is what Ron did (and did not do) to support her:
Please note that the emphasis is on “asking,” not telling or fixing. The best way for Ron to understand and to help Cindy understand her distress is through asking the right questions. Once you have the full overview of what is going on as perceived by your partner, the way to understand and support them in their circumstance – especially when we cannot relate to it (for whatever reason) - is through acceptance. Acceptance is simply allowing whatever is, to be what it is, without judgment, criticism or attempts to fix. Detached acceptance and understanding are the essence of empathy. We may not be able to relate to our partner in that moment but we can accept that he or she is experiencing discomfort or even pain. It is doing our best to understand how our partner may feel but to not encourage the upset behavior. Again, do not encourage them to feel sorry for themselves, to feel slighted, or to feel hurt – this can be likened to throwing gasoline on a fire. These are acts of sympathy and sympathy does not promote healing. Empathy does. Acceptance and understanding are the keys to empathy. When we are in the thick of an emotional reaction, what we do want is to be completely supported - especially by our partner. So, what does emotional support look like? Mostly it is sending criticism and judgment on a long vacation and really listening. The listening part means listening from the heart and really hearing every word as it is spoken without criticism or judgment. So much of the time we really do not listen because we are thinking about how we will respond when our partner finishes talking. The “without criticism or judgment” part means to not determine what is wrong or right about what our partner is saying. Just accept what is said and try as best as we can to understand what is going on with our partner. Sometimes it is difficult to understand what is happening for our partner - especially when our partner doesn’t know themselves - and those are the times that empathy is really put to the test. Acceptance does not automatically mean agreement. There are times that we don’t agree with our partner; however, we can accept them without agreeing with their viewpoint. To agree or not agree is tricky. If we don’t agree then we have two choices. One, continue to accept and release judgment about the circumstances, and two, if the disagreement threatens the relationship, then it is time to talk. What needs to be said? When our partner engages in addictive or destructive behaviors, while there may be a pull to be empathetic or even sympathetic, to do either simply encourages more of the same. Addictive and destructive behaviors compete with the relationship and destroy commitment. If the other partner wants to salvage the relationship, then the first action is to clearly set boundaries that bar the behavior from the relationship. The second action is to obtain a commitment from the addictive/destructive partner to heal the cause of such behaviors. A choice must be made between the addictive/destructive behavior and a committed relationship; the two cannot co-exist. While the relationship can endure (and sometimes they do) it will not be with the joy and fulfillment that a committed relationship creates; instead, it becomes a rather lifeless co-existence. This is a difficult and complex topic that is not covered within this article in the detail that it is entitled to but we felt it necessary to clarify the appropriate use of empathy. Empathy never involves being a doormat. When we (Ron and Cindy) chose to be together, Ron had what was for him a huge issue to resolve. For several years, he had two dogs that had been with him since they were puppies. He loved them dearly as he had learned much about unconditional love through them. Cindy, although she loves animals and dogs in particular, has a terrible allergy to dogs and, although she had tried all kinds of remedies over the years, nothing worked for her and serious health problems resulted from their presence. It was obvious that if we were to be together, Ron needed to find a new home for the dogs. The result was wonderful as his dearest friend was able to take them, allowing continued (although infrequent) contact. The real problem began when his friend determined that the personality of one of the dogs was not conducive to his lifestyle and after a year and a half of trying to make it work, had determined it was time to find a new home for her. Now, during that time, Ron had maintained an unusually close (Cindy felt) attachment to the dogs. He would become depressed and feel extraordinary guilt every time he thought about them – even though he knew they were in a very loving and caring environment. This created anxiety for Cindy as well as it caused her to suffer guilt around his loss. Although Cindy had traveled 1800 miles to her new home with Ron, leaving her job, friends and family behind, she was not suffering in the way that he was – it was increasingly difficult for her to understand where he was “coming from.” It was only after Cindy released the guilt associated with his giving up the dogs “for her” that she was truly able to help Ron with his dilemma, providing ongoing empathy (even though she did not understand his continuing attachment) and by patiently and lovingly honoring and valuing his emotional reactions. She listened to him and continued to try to understand what he was experiencing. She did not try to fix anything. It was through the discussion of Ron’s feelings regarding the placement of the dogs that he finally determined that his grief was based around abandonment. Even though he acknowledged that his life had changed and there was no longer room for the dogs – he continued to suffer guilt and angst surrounding his decision. The abandonment issues of his past relationships were surfacing in the guise of his abandonment of the dogs! Ultimately, his anger with his friend – that he would not continue to keep the dog even though he had tried to overcome the behavior that had become so disruptive to his household – became the catalyst to resolving this situation. Ron felt that he had abandoned them and now his friend would as well! It was only with continued support and gentle probing of his emotions surrounding the situation, that Ron was able to see the real issue which then allowed him to release his grief and guilt. The compassion that he felt towards his friend made it possible for him to see the story that he had created around the situation. In reality, he had done what was best for the dogs in placing them with his friend and his friend was doing what was best as well - which resulted in the most ideal home ever for this hyperactive personality! No one was abandoned and everyone (especially the dog) was happier in the end! During all of that time, Cindy was steadfast in her support of him even without understanding why he was going through what he went through. That’s empathy. The experience that we had with the dogs illustrates the highest level of empathy. When the empathetic partner emotionally merges with his or her partner (as Cindy did with Ron over giving up his dogs) then empathy is elevated to the level of compassion. It was the merging of the two of us in which Cindy shared Ron’s pain with acceptance, understanding and love that allowed healing; healing takes place when compassion is present. As in so many other aspects of spiritual growth, compassion starts with each of us, individually. The way to compassion is to merge our head with our heart without judgment, criticism, or pity, to accept and be objective about what is happening, whether now or in the past. “Merging” is instrumental for compassion to be shared with self and one’s partner. How do we merge our head and our heart for ourselves and our partner? Merging is letting go of the barriers between heart and head that isolate them from one another. When the heart “feels” what the head is observing, whether that is for self or your partner, the heart will lead the head to compassion. It is feeling what our partner is feeling even if we don’t know the root of his or her upset. If we are the one in crisis, the same allowing of our heart to merge with our head leads us to accept what the head is experiencing without judgment. Compassion leads to healing by making it safe for you or your partner to see the truth embedded in an upset. The truth is nothing more than the facts without the made-up stuff that we weave around the facts to fit our head’s agenda to “protect” us. Knowing the truth in an upset then leads to finding its gift - how can the person experiencing the upset transform upset to joy? Joy is the ultimate gift of all upsets. It’s simple to find the joy; it just isn’t always easy.
The bottom line: Empathy enables us to support our partner even when we don’t understand why he or she is suddenly emotional. It is the fourth daily practice in the SCIENCE of Relationships. Empathy requires daily awareness, for we never know when our partner may go into an unforeseen highly emotional state. In the next article,
we take up the importance of Nurturing - as the mysteries of
the SCIENCE of Relationships continue to be revealed. Until then, keep
looking for love… in the right places! We invite comments and suggestions. Contact us via email: Ron or Cindy Click here for the next article in the series: Nurturing. Originally published in the October 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker Copyright
2005 Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson |
