lookforlove

Looking for love... in the right places - a series
by Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson

6: Nurturing

Series Introduction

First, we want to describe what this series is not about; it is not a guide to finding potential partners. It is about what to do once you have found that special someone and you wish to “look for love... in the right places.” The “right places” are the behaviors that can help build a successful relationship – whether it’s new or one which has endured for years in quiet (or not so quiet!) desperation. This series will identify and offer alternatives and remedies for destructive behaviors that, once employed, build a relationship both in depth and breadth.

Second, there is a difference between “love” and “romance,” and we will be concentrating mostly on “love.” While “romance” is highly sought after in most relationships, we have found that in order to be lasting it needs a framework within which to be nurtured. So, we can tell you upfront that we offer no cherubs with bows and arrows. What we do offer are tried and true practices that can enable two people to create a solid and permanent framework for a lifetime of romance beyond courtship and the honeymoon.

Third, to do this, we use what we call the “SCIENCE” of relationships: basic daily practices which can enable you and your partner to elevate your relationship to the level of joy and fulfillment.
Relationships are risky business as many of us know from experience. There is a lot of mystery associated with what makes them work and what doesn’t. This series is about demystifying relationships. Forewarned is forearmed. What you don’t know can hurt you.

How do we feed our partner’s soul?

What is the soul and why does it need to be fed? Before examining “how,” what does it mean to “feed our partner’s soul?” These are questions that are really good to think about. The questions also tip us over into the domain of the spiritual, an area that we have thus far sidestepped in our exploration of the SCIENCE of Relationships. Now it is time to cross that line, at least a little bit.

There are many definitions, explanations, and rationalizations about the nature of the soul, as well as arguments that no such thing exists. We are born, we die, and we do “whatever we do” in between. The “end” is the big sleep – or is it? We have personally experienced many things that lead us to believe that the soul does indeed exist and that we all have one - whether it’s “recognized” it or not.

As humans, we always start with what we know for sure baby-stepping into the realm of what we don’t, so we’ll start with the “known” - we have physical bodies. Notwithstanding the findings and theories of quantum physics (and we don’t dispute them), given the limited range of our senses and intellects we are physical “carbon units” (as science fiction sometimes describes us). Our bodies house all manner of mysterious and complex functions that medical and biological sciences are still trying to figure out. Where is that cure for the common cold?

Indisputably, we have at least two other bodies: the emotional and the mental. Our emotional body has a bunch of different “feelings” that pop up without our OK, often without our having a clue as to where they came from. Then there’s the mental body which seems to yammer at us most of the time (thank goodness for sleep time except for those darn, undecipherable dreams!). Now, while we like to think that we have some control over our mental bodies - and yes, that is possible - most of us have barely scratched the surface when it comes to controlling our thoughts. Try thinking about nothing for ten seconds…not easy, huh? These three “bodies” – the physical, emotional, and mental – are what we “know” because we can easily observe them.

What we don’t know for sure is characterized by Peggy Lee’s 1960 Grammy award-winning song, “Is that all there is?” We (Cindy and Ron) are both pragmatic personalities with successful careers in information technology and corporate training – not exactly the crystal and incense types, although we have plenty of both now!

So, what happened you ask? Well, over a number of years, we had a series of unsolicited and unexpected experiences that began to reshape our “thinking” about those things that we could not know directly in the same way that we knew our bodies, emotions, and thoughts. In fact, these experiences completely shattered the illusions that we had previously embraced about those issues that were unknown in a tangible sense, and assisted us with a far better understanding of our bodies, emotions, and thoughts.

Out of these experiences we slowly came to accept that there was a fourth body that is part of the human package – the spiritual body or the soul – which links each of us to a collective of all intelligences in the universe. What led us to this conclusion? Time and space (from a publishing perspective) don’t permit all of the details, so here is the nutshell version - we experienced (and are still experiencing) physical reactions the likes of which we had never known and we received (and are still receiving) information, both factually and conceptually, that we could not have “known” beforehand. The result of these experiences is that two pragmatic, hard-headed (well Ron’s head is harder than Cindy’s) peoples’ lives had been permanently changed when we embraced the concept that the soul completes the design of human beings.

We have found that the soul offers answers to questions that cannot be answered by the physical sciences like “why are we here?” and -once determined - “what are we supposed to do to get there?” We have come to the conclusion that the answers to those questions are best left to each of us and have begun to think of life as one very long episode of “Survivor” where, instead of winning a million dollars, we get the chance to figure out these questions, and that is the nature of the game. And, just like the television reality show, everyone really does “survive” in the end but not everyone gets a million dollars (or the answers). It all depends on when we vote ourselves off the island!

So, back to the questions asked way back up yonder in this writing when we provided an answer to what is the soul (hint: it is our link to the universe at large). If the soul is a link to the all-knowing, why does it need to be fed? Here is a really esoteric and vague answer: life is a game board, our actions are the game pieces, and our soul is nourished depending on how we play the game. Play it well, and the soul gets good organic, healthy food. Play it badly, and the soul gets junk food – tasty, but not so nourishing. Just as our bodies respond to the physical food we eat, our souls respond to the spiritual food it is exposed to.

One of the things that we have learned is that life is intended to be lived in joy and there are several ways to live joyfully. Being in a really great relationship is one of them, while another is to live “in our passion.” Even better is to be in a really great relationship in which our passions are nourished by one another. We now understand that our souls point the way to doing this if we pay attention, for the hints and reminders are everywhere.

A passion is anything in life that enlivens and excites you; in short, it makes your heart soar and sing! It’s what you would do if there was nothing standing in your way, and believe it or not, there really is nothing standing in your way but you. OK, so much for motivational mojo… Back to the original question:

How do we feed our partner’s soul?

We feed our partner’s soul through nurturing. Nurturing is the N in the SCIENCE of Relationships and the fifth daily practice. Up to this point, the other SCIENCE daily practices (Support, Commitment, Intention, and Empathy) were grounded in the physical, emotional, and mental aspects of being human. With nurturing, we take on an aspect of being human that transcends what we can directly know…our partner’s soul.

As always, we have our definition which you are welcome to use and invite you to create your own if ours does not fit.

Nurturing: the deliberate and thoughtful feeding of our partner’s soul

Nurturing is a two-way street! To create and maintain a truly joyful relationship, we nurture ourselves and our partner. Cindy doesn’t say to Ron, “I need nurturing, feed me!” It’s up to Ron to know what nurtures Cindy and to provide it whenever he can, and she does the same for him. Now, the important word in the above statement is “know” - meaning it is up to each of us to communicate to our partner what our passions are – the areas of our lives that we want or need to be nurtured.

It’s important to take the guesswork out of it because you could, and probably will, guess wrong. Often our partner’s passions are hidden (even from themselves!), so we need to make it safe for them to express those passions. How do we do that? Ask lovingly and then judge not what is said! A passion is a passion and no amount of societal (or partner) criticism is going to diminish its strength. Remember, a true passion never harms or damages anyone - including the person expressing the passion. If there is potential harm or damage, the expressed passion is a false passion – more on that shortly.

Sometimes we hear people say, “I don’t know what my passion is!” We are empathetic (see the previous writing in this series – it deals with empathy), and we understand, for we have not always known what our passions were either, although there were certainly some “false passions” that have since been recognized.

A “true passion” is rooted in love, and a false passion is rooted in fear and its offspring: greed, control, judgment, and expectation. A true passion reflects the very best of us, both individually and as humans. Generic examples are art, service to others, and seeking knowledge for the sake of understanding ourselves or our world. Some favorite false passions are a never-ending need to accumulate wealth, power, addictions, (including drugs, alcohol and sex), and manipulation or control of others.

Sometimes a false passion is pursued with such ardor that it seems like, “Well, he wants that so much, it has to be his passion.” Ron once met with a very successful and powerful business man whose office walls were adorned with the “trophy” heads of wild animals that he had shot. Ron thought at the time that the man would really like to have placed the heads of his competitors on the wall as well! Hunting could be viewed by some as a “passion” of this man. Was it? Sometimes an activity that seems to be OK (like hunting for food, an activity that if our ancestors had not pursued none of us would be here today) gets taken to an extreme and becomes a false passion where the object is to kill, simply for the sake of killing because it can be done. Some would say that this “passion” that satisfies a need to control is proof of superiority or is simply an outlet for cruelty that cannot be released in any other way. Nevertheless, it fails the test of true passion as it causes injury to another.

So it seems fair to provide a few guidelines as to what a true passion is:

• Is this something that you would want to be remembered for after you are dead?
• Does it result in no harm to anything including you?
• Does it honor you, your community, or the world?
• Does it enliven and motivate you to get up in the morning to pursue it?
• Does time fly by when you are engaged in it and drag by when you are not?
• Is it a highest and best expression of who you are?

To be a true passion, all of the above questions need a “yes” answer. Of course, not everything we do can be a passion. For example, Cindy would love for housecleaning to be one of Ron’s passions, but alas, it is not (it flunks the “enliven and motivate” test).

There are millions of passions available. Most of us end up with two or three if we are lucky and that’s enough. Passions can – and do -change over time while some of them last for a lifetime. Anything that meets the guidelines for you is a passion even if it may sound ridiculous or frivolous. We believe that a lot of people who maintain that they have no passions really do, but may be embarrassed by the nature of the passion. They may think that anyone who makes papier-mâché owls as a hobby could hardly be regarded as a passionate person. Once again, it is the nature of the energy that surrounds the pursuit of the activity that makes it a passion, not the activity itself.

Now, for many of us our jobs are our passion. We genuinely “love” what we do for a living and care not about the number of hours required or what the paycheck turns out to be – as long as it is enough to live! On the other side of the coin, there are those that strictly work for the monies earned because their passion lies elsewhere. When two people join in a relationship, it is vital that they understand their mate’s “ambition to accomplishment” – and most particularly - once it’s determined that their work is their passion!

Let’s say that within a relationship, one partner works for the money and the other works for the joy of the work. These two will never truly understand one another’s motivation which can certainly create stress and strife within a relationship. One partner might ask “Why do you work so much?” while the other asks “Why don’t you love your job?” highlighting the vast difference between viewpoints. When ambitions differ it becomes even more important that each accepts the goal of the other, encouraging and nurturing their partner so that they may achieve their ambition. By doing so, the power of the one becomes the power of the two, amplifying the efforts so the achievement may be expedited. Ultimately, either understanding or acceptance must be applied; understanding when the ambitions are the same, and acceptance when they are different.

For those of us in relationship with another whose work is their passion, it is doubly important to determine if this is a true passion. If it is, nurturing your partner’s ambition is critical to the long-term survival of your relationship.

We suggest that you and your partner talk about your individual passions and find one or more that you can share. Sharing a passion is one of the strongest bonds that partners can have. Remember our earlier discussion of support (the S in the SCIENCE of Relationships) and how one partner is the leader and the other the supporter. Having a support agreement around your shared passion is a wonderful way to pursue the passion. Cindy and Ron are both passionate about crystals, and Cindy is the leader. Ron echoes her enthusiasm and is awed by her knowledge of and sensitivity to “our little friends.” He supports her by lugging around 30-50 pound crystals to various locations in the house and yard! (He really does more than that, and Cindy does a lot of lugging herself.)

It is easy to nurture your partner when a passion is shared; it just comes naturally. Your participation with your partner in a shared passion results in nurturing, for whatever either of you do nurtures the other if your actions are based in the love of the passion and your partner.

Shared passions create something else very vital to a relationship: intimacy. Now many people equate intimacy with sex which hopefully is a shared passion in all relationships, but it is not the only available kind of intimacy. Every shared passion creates intimacy. Want more intimacy in your life? Develop shared passions.

How is intimacy created? We already said by sharing a passion… when a passion is shared, both partners not only share the same mental or intellectual understanding of the passion, they share the emotions associated with the passion as well. Cindy and Ron share a passion for being outdoors directly experiencing the Mother. We are drawn, singularly and together, to energy areas known as Sacred Sites like Mt. Shasta in California and Chaco Canyon in New Mexico, as well as those of natural beauty like Zion National Park and our own backyard. We understand something about the natural and cultural history of these places; moreover and more importantly, when we are in these places and taking in the wonder of them, we can look in one another’s eyes and know that we are feeling the same emotions. That is intimacy.

What about when you don’t share your partner’s passion? Here are a few lessons that we learned:

1. Take the trouble to learn and understand your partner’s passions as best as you can.
2. Support your partner’s passions by gifting (not Sacrificing) them your time and other resources when they need it.
3. Be tolerant of whatever your partner’s passions are; you may not understand them, and well, they may not understand yours either.
4. Make it OK for your partner to have passions that you don’t share. Be grateful for all that you do share.
5. Help your partner discover his or her passions. Be open and empathetic – not many people are drawn to collect beer bottle caps. Giv’em a break!
6. Be alert that your and your partner’s “passions” are true passions. If you suspect a passion is not a true passion, work with your partner to apply the guidelines and talk about why this may be a false passion and how it neither supports your partner or your partnership - much less the world.

The bottom line… Ron’s longtime management tutor once told him, “Your job is the reason you get up in the morning and get dressed.” Well, that wasn’t really true for Ron, for his job was not his passion. When he and Cindy traded passionless J-O-B’s for true passions, their lives individually, and as partners, shifted from duty and obligation to joy and freedom. That is the promise of passion… for everyone.

In the next article, we, uh, communicate about the absolute need for Communication - as the mysteries of the SCIENCE of Relationships continue to be revealed. Until then, keep looking for love… in the right places!

We invite comments and suggestions. Contact us via email: Ron or Cindy

To read the next article in the series, Communication, click here.

Originally published in the November 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker