Looking for love... in the right places - a series
by Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson

7: Communication

Series Introduction

In the SCIENCE of Relationships what is the one daily practice that could determine the success or failure of all the other practices?

Way back yonder, the first article in this series discussed how the lack of “aligned definitions” was the “rocks and shoals” on which relationships founder. Well, if confusion over definitions is the rocks and shoals, this article’s topic could be likened to the tsunami of relationship - because without it everything in its path will be swept away! Just like a real tsunami, this one generates its energy from within the deepest depths of the relationship, building up pressure until it erupts in a tidal wave of emotion that drowns the relationship in a flood of finger-pointing, blame, and bitterness.

We’re talking about communication or lack thereof.

The goal of communication is communication. Sounds simple enough… but if you have ever been misunderstood by your partner (or anyone for that matter) when you knew you were being “perfectly clear,” then you well know the emotions that were evoked; frustration, anger, and helplessness are just a few. If the message sent is not the message received then communication has not really taken place, rather, a miscommunication occurred, which is usually far worse than not having said anything at all.

In fact, people who are shy and reserved distrust the people they are with; they play it safe by not saying much (if anything at all) for fear of being misunderstood. This may be a "resonable" position to take for those who are chronically misunderstood, but invariably this behavior results in personal dissatisfaction for all.

So, how do we blow away the fog and smoke that so often morph “what we said” to “what they heard?” Let’s begin with a definition… and while we are not suggesting our definition become yours, it is a place to start. We hope that you will create your own if you find that this does not work for you.

Communication: Responsibly sharing thoughts, feelings, and needs
AND ensuring that they are understood.

To really understand this definition, there are two words that need to be expanded upon more thoroughly: “responsibly” and “sharing.”

First, “responsibly” embraces a state of mind that is based in love and honesty (as a central focus), sensitive, thoughtful consideration (for your partner’s circumstances), and focused awareness (for what is really going on). The short version of this point is that responsible communications are built upon “feel-think-think-speak” and are not comprised of the “ready-shoot-aim” mentality. Responsible communication is a two-way street which means that both parties must be willing to take responsibility for the conveyance and receipt of information.

The person initiating a communication needs to verify that “what was said” was “what was heard”, AND the receiving partner has an equal responsibility to make sure that what they received and understood is, indeed, what the sender intended. When employed, this fail-safe mechanism will work even if only one of the partners fulfills their responsibility. If both flunk the responsibility requirement, then the couple could end up in a place where neither wants to be.

The second point is that “sharing” can be done myriad ways. While vocal and written communications are the most common, facial expressions, body language, and actions are also widely used. Smiling or nodding agreeably, hugging, touching and comforting would all be responsible communication. Angry looks, pointing or gesturing angrily, and slamming doors are all examples of ineffective and irresponsible communication that ultimately damages the relationship. There are lots of modes of communication and they all fall under the “sharing” umbrella.

Although there are well known differences in communication style… some people tell you the history of the clock when you ask if they have a watch while others will simply reply “yes”… if both partners are responsible in their communications then life rolls along pretty smoothly. The problem arises when one or both are not being responsible. Consider…

A man and woman are returning home after a movie. He is driving, she wants coffee, and he doesn’t. The conversation goes like this…
She says, “Honey, would you like some coffee?”
“No thanks.”
She sits very quietly for a few blocks. Then, knowing Starbucks is right around the corner, she again asks:
“Are you sure you don’t want coffee?”
“No thanks, I really don’t.”

Now, no one’s touched the air controls, but the temperature in the car has dropped about twenty degrees and deep silence prevails the rest of the trip home where she slams the car door and goes immediately to her bedroom. He now knows something is wrong but doesn’t have any idea what that might be.

Interpretation: She wanted to stop for coffee and assumed that by asking him if he did as well that he would understand her desire. He simply answered her question; “no” he did not want coffee. Although we certainly are not condoning this type of communication, it is recognized that it occurs every day and could very easily be remedied. The bottom line - they both flunk the responsible test - she for lack of honesty and he for lack of awareness.

Breakdowns in communication typically occur when one or both partners feel negatively about what is being shared. For example, if feelings of being misunderstood, judged, disrespected, dishonored, deceived, or cheated are present, the typical response will be to lash out, withdraw, or simply “run silent.” As long as these feelings are present, communication will be difficult and stifled. So, the next time those feelings surface in a communication with your partner, rather than lashing out, try saying something like, “I’m feeling (misunderstood, judged, etc.)… is that what you really intended?” Most of the time, this will cause your partner to think about what they are conveying and provide them with an opportunity to modify the communication. If it was what they intended to convey, then both parties now know what the real problem is! Generally, it will not be what the other partner intended, and the ice can begin to thaw as each takes a responsible approach to continued communication.

Every communication is a response to “something.” The response may be internally motivated (a thought, feeling or need not based on what is currently happening but on something unrelated) or externally motivated (a direct reply to a current communication). Every response is either responsible or irresponsible. A negative response is not about the subject of the sharing; it stems from the interpretation of the subject. Understanding the origin of the response can assist both partners as they become responsible communicators.

To better understand how this works, consider the “he felt – he said – she heard – she felt – she said” responses in three communications: the first where both are being irresponsible, the second when one of them is being responsible, and the third when both are being responsible.

Neither is responsible
He felt angry. He said, “You’re always late!”
She heard “You can’t do anything right!” She felt judged.
She said, “Well, so what, you were late last week!”
He felt judged.
He said, “That’s got nothing to do with this – why can’t you ever be on time?”
Results: It’s all downhill from here folks…

One is responsible
He felt angry. He said, “You’re always late!”
She heard, “I’m really upset because you’re late.” She felt empathetic.
She said, “I’m really sorry I’m late. I did try to be on time because I know it’s important to you…I’ve just had an unbelievable day…”
He felt acknowledged.
He said, “I know that things happen – let’s just get going.”
Results: They have some work to do...but they are very close…

Both are responsible
He felt irritated. He said, “You’re late. What happened?”
She heard, “You’re late. What happened?” She felt respected.
She said, “I’m really sorry I’m late. I did try to be on time because I know it’s important to you…I’ve just had an unbelievable day…”
He felt acknowledged by her and his anger dissipates.
He said, “Oh, I’m sorry that you had a rough day. You can tell me what happened on the way.”
Results: A great evening!

Please note that the roles are often reversed to “she felt – she said – he heard – he felt – he said.” Miscommunication is an equal opportunity provider!

So how does communication directly relate to the SCIENCE of Relationships? Well, we think it is the lifeblood of SCIENCE because without it, the rest of the daily practices really don’t have much value. We’re going to summarize each practice and emphasize the importance of communication (click on an article subject to read it in full). Remember, “responsibly” is a state of mind that involves love and honesty (as a central focus), sensitive, thoughtful consideration (for your partner’s circumstances), and focused awareness (for what is really going on).

1. Support: providing to your partner what he or she needs to have the confidence that the relationship is truly a partnership in which each partner equally benefits. How can you know what each of you needs if you are not in responsible communication? How can you determine the leader and supporter roles if you are not in responsible communication?

2. Commitment: to the exclusion of all other things; a refusal to allow any thing to distract or deter – in effect, allowing nothing to compete. First, commitments made to your partner must be effectively communicated so that both understand what has been agreed upon. Second, when a commitment is threatened, it is vital to responsibly communicate what is happening to your partner so the determination to maintain the commitment, or not, may be made. Third, if you choose to end a commitment that decision needs to be responsibly communicated to your partner.

3. Intention: A conscious and purposeful statement of something that you desire. This one is in the “duh!” category in that a statement is something that must be communicated by virtue of being a “statement.” Doing so responsibly is good!

4. Empathy: Understanding and supporting your partner’s differences –whether you can relate to them or not - from a detached point of view. While understanding and support can be silent or shown through “acts of service,” the most common expressions are through responsible communication making certain that your partner is aware of your support of them.

5. Nurturing: the deliberate and thoughtful feeding of our partner’s soul. Racking our brains as hard as we can, we cannot figure out how to feed our partner’s soul without responsibly communicating. When it comes to shared passion and intimacy, the need for responsible communication is absolute.

We, like every other couple we know, have our “ups and downs” as we learn how to responsibly communicate with each other. As you might expect, we have had many irresponsible communications resulting in a lot of “events” that took a lot longer to resolve than it took to get into them. (Isn’t it amazing how one look or word can lead to hours of working through the resulting emotions of “he felt, he said, she heard, she felt, she said”…). Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned about responsible communication within our partnership:

• Responsible communication is always the goal. We know that we have hammered “responsible” very hard only because it is so important to a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. We have found ourselves on both sides of the responsible/irresponsible coin, and believe us when we say “responsible” is better, much better.

• Learn the power of h-e-s-i-t-a-t-i-o-n. Hesitation has a bit of a bad rap in our culture. “He who hesitates is lost,” or so we are told. We find that another expression is better in this case, “Engage brain before putting mouth [or fingers or body] in gear.” When uncertain about what to share, consider hesitating until you discern and discriminate how to do so responsibly. Sometimes temporarily saying nothing (until you are sure of how to responsibly share what you need to communicate) is much better than opening mouth and inserting foot. You read it here first: Cindy and Ron endorse hesitation over irresponsible communications.

• Hesitation notwithstanding, we need to communicate with one another rather than keeping “it” to ourselves. Whenever we “run silent” (longer than necessary to understand where our response is coming from and to discern and discriminate how to be responsible) we inevitably cause grief for both of us.

• Remember, every communication of every kind is a response to something. If the situation is emotionally shaded, discern and determine what you are really responding to before sharing. The “obvious” situation that has caused an emotional reaction to occur probably isn’t what you think but has likely brought something much deeper to the surface for resolution.

• If you cannot remember all of the qualities of responsible communication (love, honesty, sensitivity, consideration, focus, and awareness) then please remember (prior to communicating) that you love your partner. Love will make up for a lack of other qualities – and you can still work on the others to become the most effective communicator possible.

• If the above lessons learned are incorporated into your communications with your partner, being understood becomes a piece of cake (preferably chocolate with chocolate icing) because each of you will encourage and allow what you need to share to be understood. Understanding occurs in a climate of acceptance and tolerance, and they are created when responsible communication takes place.

The bottom line… Communication is the sixth daily practice in the SCIENCE of Relationships: Responsibly sharing thoughts, feelings, and needs AND ensuring that they are understood. Without responsible communications, a relationship could be doomed to suffer a monosyllabic existence that leaves both partners unfulfilled and unhappy with a far greater potential for failure. Who needs that?

In the next article, we end the series with a hale and hearty look at the daily practice of Enthusiasm! The mysteries of the SCIENCE of Relationships will then be fully revealed. Until then, keep looking for love… in the right places!

We invite comments and suggestions. Contact us via email: Ron or Cindy

The next and last article in the series, Enthusiasm!, is coming soon.

Originally published in the December 2005 edition of PlanetLightworker

Copyright 2005 Ron McCray and Cindy Ferguson