October 1, 2003 PlanetLightworker Editor's Letter

What price integrity?

It seems (and doesn’t it always work this way?) that whatever I need to work on at the time gets mirrored to me over and over until I get it. Lately, it seems that I am experiencing an abundance of people not doing what they say they will do and then not “cleaning up” their failure to do so. Hmmm? Now, by “cleaning up,” I do not mean that I expect or want anyone to grovel and give me a boat load of excuses. All I want is for the person to say, “Hey, I did not do what I said I was going to do, and I will do it by xxxx time (or I am not going to do it all).” Then, at least, I know what is going on.

This seems a reasonable expectation to have, so why don’t people do it? Well, of course, it comes down to either having the fear to admit that whatever was promised was not done or pure laziness. Take your pick; it doesn’t matter. I have long thought of this as a matter of integrity. Doing what I say I am going to do is a way of building personal power because of how other people regard me, “a person of my word.”

I still think that this is the case, and I hold myself to a high standard of doing what I promise. Why am I now plagued with people not doing what they promise? What is the lesson? What am I missing? Is this karma gone “wrong?” Did my karma get mixed up with someone else’s?

When I really thought about this and pushed my ego to the side as it muttered, “How dare they do this to me?” I began to figure it out. It came to me in one word.

Control

I wanted to control a situation in my life which was not controllable so I transferred my “desire” for control to third parties, which it seems, were not keeping their promises. Surprise! This was all about teaching me (again) to surrender the outcome and to stop “trying” to control. Duh! When am I going to learn? Hopefully, this will not take another lifetime.

Gosh, if I can only remember that I am not the only sentient being in the Universe, I think life will become a lot simpler. In fact, if I can hang on to the thought that we are all connected, and that when “one” of is out of integrity (as in not doing what we promise), then all of us are really out of integrity. A lot of stress then disappears.

We are all connected is a tough one to get at the heart level. I know that for me to entertain that I am connected to Saddam Hussein (if he is still around), Osama bin Laden (who apparently is), or George Bush (which would be easier if I could find just one of his policies with which I agree) is not easy, and frankly, most of the time, seemingly impossible.

What do I need to do to jump the incredibility gap?

For me, remembering that my life is a game and that Spirit does not take what I do seriously makes a lot of difference. In fact, the only thing that matters is why I do something, not what I do. Why I do something is what reduces or increases my karma. My “whys” truly do determine the quality of my life. For example, I recently decided to refinance the mortgage on my house. I chose a broker representative who lives in my community. Over a period of months, this person repeatedly did not keep promises. I kept up a string of gently harassing phone calls, and it seemed that the “re-fi” was not going to happen. Finally, I reached the point when I “gave up trying to control the situation,” and, lo, it was finished.

Am I suggesting, that when I surrender to the outcome, that I should not do anything to help bring about the outcome? No, it does not; however, whatever I do comes with a wrapper of “why” I am doing it. It is this wrapper that makes the difference. For example, in my phone calls with the broker, my goal was to not only get the re-finance done, it was also to make the broker wrong, guilty, and contrite for not doing what was promised. I accomplished the latter, but the former was not happening (at least on my schedule).

When I let go of trying (unsuccessfully) to control the situation and reflected that in my phone conversations, then everything came together and the re-finance was accomplished. The “why” for my telephone calls had shifted from seeking “retribution” to “supporting” getting the re-finance accomplished in the best and highest interest of all concerned.

Surrender, in this sense, did not mean to give up. It meant simply recognizing that the only thing that I can control is me, not other people. By redirecting my energy to supporting what I needed to happen instead of finding fault (which did not speed up the process, and in fact, probably slowed it), the tasks got done to everyone’s benefit and well-being.

When integrity is a matter of me doing what I promise, I can control that. When integrity becomes a judgment that I make about others, the price is too high: stress, angst, and frustration. Everyone’s integrity is theirs to do with as they choose. Integrity is yet but another choice that each of us makes over and over again. We constantly have opportunities to learn and grow through the consequences of our choices.

May you discern with compassion,

Ron