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Modest Proposal March 11, 2003 It’s not the issue... It’s not the issue; it’s how I RELATE to the issue. This is an intriguing statement, and one that fully caught my attention a few years ago while studying spiritual psychology at the University of Santa Monica (a wonderful school by the way – see the school website’s URL at the end of the proposal). I will always meld the issue with how I relate to it. They become one and the same. For example, if someone says to me, “I hate you!” that is an issue. It is an “issue” because either I don’t like it, or I want it to be something other than what it is (or both). Once an issue is lobbed my way (and don’t they come thick and fast sometimes?), I will invariably “relate” to it in some way. My relationship to the issue echoes the four possible roles of person-to-person relationships: 1.
I can dominate the issue. Three of those do not forward me in my spiritual journey; they simply keep me invested in my humanness. There is nothing “wrong” about that, unless of course, I want to spiritually evolve. Thank goodness, there is a fourth choice: to lovingly accept the issue and move on. That is easy to say, not so easy to do. Before leaping through door number four, let’s look at doors one through three. The first choice, dominate the issue, is aggressive and retaliatory. “What do you mean, ‘you hate me?’ How dare you. I’ll give you reason to hate me,” or something to that effect. The dominate-aggressive response sets up an adversarial relationship with the issue. It requires a lot of energy of the heavy variety. It is an attack that invites more attack, and both opponents whack away at one another until someone gets beaten down or withdraws. Nothing gets resolved except to take this issue up another day. Door number two is the opposite. If I choose to submit to the issue, then I accept that I am to blame for the existence of the issue. “Yes, you’re right. I’ve treated you in a way that deserves your hatred and loathing. I am a scumbag.” That is to take total responsibility for the issue and exercise my right to feel guilty. It is giving up my personal power and accepting the right to be judged by someone else. Life with respect to the issue involves hanging out waiting to be judged, and waiting, and waiting … There are any number of proverbial shoes left to drop. Whatever happened to create the issue (“I hate you!”), even if I did something not very nice, remember that the other person (the “issuer,” so to speak) chose to create the issue. So it stands to reason, that the issuer will quickly learn to control me through his or her judgments about me to which I cop out. Many parents do this all of the time with their children, even after they are grown. Going through door number three requires more skill. When I avoid an issue, I pretend it didn’t happen, or I pretend to agree with the issuer. “What did you say? I am not sure… well, maybe, sorry, won’t do it again,” but under my breath, I am thinking, “You hate me now? Just wait until I get another shot, then you’ll really know!” Psychologists refer to this as passive aggressive behavior. It is agreeing in the moment, with the intention of sabotage in the future. It is kind of like terrorist warfare – striking unexpectedly when the issuer doesn’t see it coming. This is a popular role to play when I am not brave enough to attempt domination and sure as heck am not REALLY going to roll over and play dead, and accept domination. The net effect of these three roles (dominate, submit, or avoid) is that the issue has not been resolved; it has gone away temporarily but is still there waiting to surface; and surface it will… again and again… maybe for years, maybe for a lifetime. There has got be a better way. I can lovingly accept the issue. If you think avoiding is tough, try this one. It is difficult but well worth the effort, for the net result is that the issue does go away at least for me (the one who counts here) and MAY go away for the issuer as well (although there are no guarantees, for the issuer is choosing as well as I). So how do I go about walking through door four – to lovingly accept the issue? First, I separate the issue from the issuer. The issue is something that the issuer created. It is not who the issuer is: a spiritual being having a human experience. I have my moments when I sure as heck am not exhibiting loving acceptance. We all do; I don’t care who you are or how highly exalted you are by others as being a guru, sage, healer, or “wholly” person. Second, I view the issue as an opportunity for the issuer and me to release karma or avoid acquiring more karma. It is not personal to me. It just seems that way because I was conditioned to believe that issues created by others are about me. They are not. By understanding this and being aware of it, I avoid creating more personal karma. I can do whatever I need to create that which is in my best and highest interest. Believe me; taking door number four IS in my best and highest interest. Always. Third, I have compassion for the issuer by re-membering that he or she is on a different path than mine and that creating the issue is an opportunity to heal him or herself. I can help the issuer by simply applying loving acceptance to the issue and to the issuer as well. I provide no resistance by not playing one of the other three roles of dominate, submit, or avoid. They never work in the long run. Issues will be with us throughout our human journey. They are another gift we can use to heal ourselves. Howsoever you deal with issues is appropriate for you at that time; please remember that if you are relating through domination, submission, or avoidance, there is the fourth choice: loving acceptance. DISCLAIMER: This Modest Proposal provides a way of thinking about its subject by viewing it from the perspective of love and acceptance through creating awareness that we all have choices in every moment. It does not intend to dictate to the reader that he or she should blindly accept or reject the suggestions presented in the commentary. This as in all things should be evaluated with discernment. May
you discern well, NOTE:
The University of Santa Monica’s website is: http://www.gousm.edu/.
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